Already Gone
by StephanieIrvine
Summary: She wishes she could go back and tell him yes. But she told him no and this was where no left her. This was hers to deal with. Chris and Stephanie.


**A/N:**__Okay, back again. Enjoy and all that. I hope you're not sick of me.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the words on the page. And maybe like a handful of change.

**Already Gone**

"_I love you enough to let you go." _

"_Yeah, well I love you enough__ to not let you go."_

"_This isn't working." _

"_Then let's make it work."_

"_It's over."_

"_Stephanie, don't leave me." _

"_We were always meant to say goodbye." _

"_Don't...." _

"_I'm already gone." _

It hadn't meant to end like that. She hadn't meant to be so callous, but she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't be with Chris and not have all of him. Call her selfish if you will, she already knew that. Plus, she had a husband. She didn't love him, but she had a husband. She guessed this feeling in her stomach – the ache – was karma's way of letting her know how much they'd screwed up. She wonders if Chris feels it too. She thinks he does. It wasn't like they set out to be together, it wasn't like they planned on turning their one night stands into something more, it wasn't like they planned on falling in love.

She sighed, she had to stop thinking about him, and she had to stop feeling for him. But it was hard - forgetting was always hard and remembering, well remembering was as easy as breathing. If she didn't get control of this, he'd haunt her till the day she passed. She'd live a life with a man she didn't love, have children with the wrong color of eyes and watch them grow and lead their own lives and at the end of it all, he'd haunt her still, on her last breath she'd see his face. Maybe she'd whisper his name.

God, it was so frustrating thinking about him. She had no right, she ended it. They lived separate lives now – Chris with Jessica, Stephanie with Paul. It was over, stop thinking about him, just stop it. She knew she was kidding herself, forget Chris? That was like forgetting to breath, and like she'd already said, breathing was easy. She knew she'd walked away from him, pretended everything was okay when it wasn't, not like at the start. The start had been easy, they were just connections in hotel rooms. There had been no string attached and she almost craved for those days back. They were so simple and then simple got complicated.

They were both to blame for complicated, he shouldn't have stay that night and she shouldn't have woken up, her head on his chest and her hand holding his. They became more, the connections became moments and moments became feelings and like feelings always do, they evolved. She hadn't expected it, nor had he for that matter – she thinks they just went along with it, followed where it lead them. Watched as they became something to each other and then saw everything they meant to each other in this storm of understanding.

Like most things it started with a kiss and she'd sighed against his lips and he'd pulled her to him and held her tighter. The kiss had stopped, but he'd still held her and she'd knew. She hadn't meant for, _I'm in love with you_, to pass her lips but they had and she hadn't expected the, _Good, because I've loved you for a while, _in reply.

They'd been happy, they had each other and in their cocoon of just them, nothing could touch them. They locked the door and the world outside ceased to exist, it passed them by, and it was nice to think it was just each the two of them who existed. But, like with how most things started with a kiss, it was common knowledge that happy never lasted. Jessica rang and Paul invaded and life went on. Chris had answered and she'd left to be a wife. It wasn't what they had wanted but it happened, it always happened – they'd get their moments and they'd try to hold on, they gripped hard but it always slipped away.

It happened too many times and her heart was getting bruised each time. Chris told her once, every time he left her it chipped a piece of his heart away, so she knew he was in the same boat. So leaving, it seemed like the best option. They couldn't carry on and she had to be brave.

She took the first step.

She wished she hadn't.

"_Can we go back to the way it used to be?"_

"_When we pretended every thing was alright?"_

"_When life and loving you was easy?"_

"_No…"_

She should have said yes. She missed him, God, how she missed him. He'd come to her, asked her for one more chance and she'd said no. She was a fool, she should have said yes. Her heart screamed yes, it was covered in bruises but it screamed yes. Her logic told her no and who was she to screw with logic. She'd told herself over and over it was better this way, and that in the long run it'd all work out and they'd both be better people from learning from this mistake. Well, that was a lie. It wasn't a mistake. How could a mistake feel so right?

She thinks she broke his heart.

She knows she broke her own.

She still had things she wanted to tell him, _I'm still in love with you. _He knew that. _I want to be with you_. She thinks deep down, he knows that too. _I'm having your baby._ No one knew that.

She should have said yes.

Why didn't she?

That question plagued her mind. If she was capable of it, she would have rewound those minutes and relived them over again and she would have said yes. They would be happy and happy would last. But she couldn't and she hadn't and happy wasn't around. She tells herself that she didn't want to break up his marriage, that's why she'd kept quiet, but that wasn't it – she'd broke up her own fine. She thinks Chris is happy at the moment, she's heard rumours he and Jessica are like they used to be, it hurts her but if he's happy then she won't ruin it. She's ruined it once already, she doesn't think she could do that to him again. Not when he doesn't deserve it.

She was sitting alone in her home, her hand on her growing abdomen – not that she was showing – and she looked outside her window. The sun was coming up. Another day, another pretence of moving on. She tried to every day, but when the clock on her wall fully circled twice, she hadn't and lying to herself wasn't an option. She'd tried that one too many times and look where she ended up. What she wouldn't do for one second of his touch.

She misses him.

Why hadn't she met him sooner? Why couldn't he have come into her life months earlier, said 'hi' to her and let the path they were on led their lives to a happier now. She knows if she had met him earlier, there's a good chance that she would be having his baby – like now – but she'd have a ring around her finger that promised forever. She'd had one of those, but it never fit well. She thinks Chris's would have fitted perfectly.

She thinks a lot of things, but none really become reality. She hopes a lot as well, and those might become a reality, but she won't bet on it.

She knows she should just go and say, _Here I am, forgive me, _but he's happy or close to it, so she'll let it be. She took happy from him once, she should let him keep it this time. She just wishes she could get to a little happy. Don't get her wrong, when she's not thinking of Chris and she's thinking about her little girl, she's happy, but then she thinks of Chris because how could she not, he's the father and thinking of Chris makes her sad and she knows she should move on and forget, but it's so damn hard. Too, damn hard.

This was getting her nowhere, she just had to stop. Move on, forget and all that stuff. She'd think about her daughter and try not to picture her eyes the same color of her fathers. She'd learn to be happy, it'd be easier when she held her little girl in her arms, she'd have something to keep her mind occupied.

She'd live, albeit barely.

"_One of these days I won't be afraid of staying with you."_

"_Can that be today?"_

"_Maybe…"_

It hadn't been.

She'd seen him at the arena, she'd been working as had he and she had looked up and he was already looking at her. She remembers the way her breath caught and how she had to remind herself to breathe (maybe it wasn't so easy after all) and she'd wanted to run to him and tell him this was all just stupid and she'd been wrong and she should have said yes. She was saying yes now. But it hadn't worked out like that. She'd stayed still and he'd walked over to her. She remembers his smile, but it was hard to forget since it was imprinted in her mind, just like he was.

He was making small talk and she had to give him credit, he wasn't asking for another chance. She didn't know if that was because she'd told him not too, or because he was happy. She hoped it wasn't because he was happy. Her mouth opened to ask him that, the words on the tip of her tongue and then she wanted to cry. She had to hold herself up when she saw Jessica hug Chris from behind. The look on his face let her know that he hadn't meant for this to happen, the look on his face was almost showing as much pain as she guesses her own face showed. She thinks that what made him snap at Jessica and tell her he'd see her in his locker room in a bit.

Whatever it was, she thinks she almost heaved when she saw her kiss Chris. Those should have been her lips.

When Jessica wasn't there, he turned back to her, his eyes sorry. She looked back at him, her own eyes sad. She couldn't say yes. They had a stilted conversation, it was stifling. She felt a kicking in her stomach and her eyes widened and she had to hide it, but Chris noticed, he always noticed. His hand found her own and in that moment she didn't care and brought it to her stomach and he felt the kick. He'd looked down and then up, his eyes wide. She nodded and he smiled. In that moment, she had happy back.

But that was all it was, a moment, because Jessica was waiting in his dressing room and she remembered Chris already had happy. He was happy before he knew about them, and he'd stay happy without them. It was just how things worked out. It was karma's plan and she could live with that. She thinks at least.

She remembers him looking in her eyes and his clouding over with sorrow. _Let me have this, with you, _had slipped from his lips and she had to bite down on her own to stop from telling him, _It's all I want._ Instead she told him, _One of these days, I won't be afraid of staying with you._

He'd wanted that in that moment and so had she. But it was just a moment right? He'd realise his mistake and want happy again, and that's why she let go of his hand and walked away.

He called her name, but she didn't look back.

She should have, that's where happy was.

"_Maybe we were meant to __live lives separately."_

"_You frustrate me." _

"_I want you. Us."_

"_Give in."_

"_I can't."_

She did.

It wasn't some big epiphany or anything, she wasn't like in the middle of a meeting and it clicked that he needed to be with her to be happy and she in turn needed him for happy as well. She already knew she needed him. Haven't you been listening? She always needed him and wanted him, there were just obstacles in the way. But obstacles could be removed, _had_ been removed. Jessica never made him happy, she thought she had, she hadn't, but she heard. The gossip was like wildfire and when she heard, she knew and she gave in.

She thinks he wanted to tell her first, but she'd walked away too many times for him to try. She didn't blame him, she had and she admitted it, she was foolish. She just hoped he'd give her a second chance. He'd asked for one once and she'd said no, she hoped he didn't say no.

She was standing outside his locker room. She could hear him moving about inside, warming himself up for his match. She wanted to knock but her hand wouldn't rise - she was scared. She didn't want a no, didn't think she could handle 'no'. Which was ironic really since that's all she ever seemed to say to Chris – the yes was always there, but the no had always surpassed. She hated that word.

It was now or never. Okay, it wasn't and she was just being dramatic – it was a stalling tactic.

Stalling was overrated.

She raised her hand and knocked and the door opened.

Okay, so now, it really was now or never.

"_I'm__ just waiting to find a way back to you."_

"_Can't you just ask me?"_

"_I wish you would let me."_

"_Ask."_

So she asked.

"Can we come back to you?"

And he replied.

"Yes."

**End**


End file.
